mellowtigger: (all i have)
Peace For Paris by Jean Jullien #PeaceForParisIt's probably a disservice to the songwriters to connect their nice song with recent events in Paris, but my mind has already done it.

By now, you've probably heard that DAESH has accepted responsibility for the mass murders in Paris. You might not know that the Arabic name "al-Dawla al-Islamiya fi al-Iraq wa al-Sham" was previously shortened to names likes ISIS and ISIL. We should be calling this group by the abbreviation now given to it by French officials, DAESH. This new name can be construed to also mean things like "to trample down and crush” or “a bigot who imposes his view on others.” It seems appropriate, so let's call them DAESH.

Paris, France, and the empathetic world obviously need a moment to collect their thoughts. People worldwide are probably doing the same thing that I did: contacting people they know in France to confirm they are alright. I've mentioned before that I once dated a foreigner. I didn't mention that he was French. I confirmed last night that he is unharmed and not in Paris.

After that immediate confirmation, there will probably be a lot of reassuring hugs passed around social circles. And that's where we get to this song that I mentioned.
Something happens when I hold her
She keeps my heart from getting older
When the days get short and the nights get a little bit colder
We hold each other
We hold each other
We hold each other, mmm

Something happens when I hold him
He keeps my heart from getting broken
When the days get short and the nights get a little bit frozen
We hold each other
We hold each other
We hold each other, mmm

People judged us they couldn't see the connection
When I look at you, it's like I'm looking back at my reflection
I don't see nothing different, our pigments they coincide
We hold each other so tight they couldn't break us if they tried
My eyes are those of the blind, I see no color or size
I feel the love in your touch and I trust what's inside your mind
A little reassurance, a little comfort... it's probably a good thing now for the many who were affected directly or indirectly by the attack in Paris.

Of course, this song was special in its own right, because the straight and gay performers each kept their pronouns correct in their lyrics. That bravery is rare. They demonstrated a recognition of their common experience and humanity, which lends itself to thoughts of this weekend's aftermath.

It is also a sentiment likely to continue annoying bigots worldwide, especially the likes of those who committed these recent atrocities. I must admit to feeling some smug and unhelpful satisfaction in the apoplexy that loving compassion can provoke in some hateful minds. How broken and injured someone already must be for them to experience additional pain in others' loving compassion.

So... hold each other, and find what relief that you can. The world wants to help, if only we knew concrete actions that we could take.  Meanwhile, I'll continue singing along... "When the days get short and the nights get a little bit frozen, we hold each other."

mellowtigger: (Terry 2010)
Google has indexed 20 years of Usenet posts. Good archeological history is available in those closing signatures! You can see the planetary computer networks that flourished prior to "the internets" (a plural name that I can still use with ease) within those contact addresses. My own electronic footprint goes back to 1989, excluding genealogical records.

I still disapprovingly shake my head at people who insist on posting electronically with limited viewership. They fear retribution from employers and harassment from internet trolls. Those consequences are real, yes. But nobody ever has any control over what happens to their words after they reach another person. Either keep your words to yourself, or share them with the world. There are no secrets in a world of technological telepathy; there is no forgetting in a world of digital memory. As a rule, I post publicly. I accept the consequences of my speech. Yes, there have been consequences.

Partly, we were more cooperative back then. All the people who were connected electronically were either educated at universities or employed by multinational corporations. We were much better trained for getting along with diverse opinions. The general population just wasn't prepared for exposure to such freedom of expression. Partly, we were all just naive. We really didn't understand that anyone would want to take advantage of other helpful people or exploit the free exchange of information. Some of my assigned userids incorporated part of my Social Security Number, for crying out loud! We know better today how selfish, abusive, and exploitative the general human population can be.

Here is the timeline of my electronic adventures. (Helpful hint: when clicking to one of the Usenet discussions, scroll to the top and click the button to "Expand all" conversations.)

1989.03.21"Calculation of pi"
I asked a question on the BITnet listserv about an algorithm for calculating pi specifically on a computer platform. I was inspired to ask after reading the book "Contact" by Carl Sagan. My email address was "N107BQ@TAMVM1", one of the IBM VM mainframes at Texas A&M University. These days, virtual machine host systems are becoming quite the popular item on personal computers. Everything old is new again.
1991.03.07"Clues?! Anybody have a clue? Clues purchased for $5! "
"The One". This maelstrom of emotions happened in pre-diagnosis days. "Asperger's Syndrome" wasn't even a possible diagnosis back then. That name wouldn't enter the manuals until 1992. No wonder I was confused. I never understood the breakup that happened soon afterward, either. I asked several times over the years, but I never got an answer that I understood. "I have NO idea how the mechanic[s] work in starting a real relationship!" And half a lifetime later, it's still the same.
1991.04.10"question for you TIers out there"
I posted from a DECnet Vax mainframe, but luckily my university was slowly dual-routing their mainframe email services so they could transmit messages on both the traditional networks and the newfangled ARPAnet. My "venus::" address on the Vax mainframe translated to "" on the new network. Texas Instruments had its own international network, but it wasn't yet connected to ARPAnet routers. Or so I'm guessing since nobody was able to answer my question. It wasn't until more ARPAnet routers were connected together that "the interconnected networks" (aka "internets" aka "internet") were born.
1991.04.13"QUESTION: What corporations protect us?"
I asked about anti-discrimination language in corporate policy. It was rare back then. Look at some of the signatures. You'll see contact addresses for people on BITnet and WWIVnet. One Microsoft employee is listed, but he has a UUnet address in his signature because Microsoft (like Texas Instruments) wasn't connected to ARPAnet. The corporate takeover of the internet hadn't started, because the internet itself hadn't yet consumed the other networks. ;)
1991.05.08"AD&D2: Austin, Texas"
I committed months earlier to the life-saving decision to quit university and head out to get a real job. I finally do it.
Best. Decision. Ever.
"New Orleans travel question"
"Gay Toulouse"
Another attempt at a relationship. His work Visa ended, so he had to leave the country.
I amuse myself by playing games on my Amiga.
1994.01.13"Q: HIV+/HIV- couples"
My next attempt at being a boyfriend. It was the longest relationship to survive.
1994.06.15"Austin, Texas: Liberty Books folds"
For two years, I had volunteered every Saturday morning at Liberty Books near downtown Austin. I opened the store and operated the register alone for 3 hours every weekend. I was disappointed to see it go.
1996.11.05"Q: Daggerfall residence"
I amuse myself by playing games on my pc.
1997.04.27"Q: where are endlers livebearers?"
I branch out. I amuse myself with aquaria too.
1998.09.13"70 ga aquarium, 30 ga aquarium"
Another (my last, ever) relationship ended months earlier, allergies are destroying me, and I need a change of life. I decide to move. I drive straight up I-35 from Austin, TX to Minneapolis, MN for a "Year 2000" programming project. I've been here ever since. Notice the Mindspring email account.  It eventually became Earthlink, but service declined at that point.

By 2000, the internet was everywhere. Few people talked about the old networks any more. Websites had taken over, and Usenet and Listserv seemed like ancient technologies already. The Borg assimilation was complete. :)

If you found amusement in this trip through history, be sure to help Google promote a free and open internet. It's important stuff!

mellowtigger: (Pride)
It's National Coming Out Day, but I can't muster any enthusiasm for it.  I'm still bummed about the vivisectionist flirting with me last weekend.  Humans are weird, and I wish I could find a life that kept me away from them.  My cats like their kibble, though, so I have to stay in "civilization" to keep them pampered with regular meals and clay litter.  I keep postponing my hopes of walking into the forest and leaving humanity.

I paid money to attend a local sci-fi convention last weekend.  I ended up spending only half of Friday there (after work), skipping all of Saturday and Sunday and the big dinner event that I paid extra for.  I should have kept my money and my emotional balance.  The convention itself was nice.  I even had a panel moderator stop me in the hallway to say that I asked some good questions at her panel.  I spent several hours (into the wee morning) playing a new card game with 3 other conventioners.

There were even other autistic adults at the convention.  I recognized one from an informal autistic group a few years ago.  I recognized two others who were visitors to Occupy Minnesota last year.  One of that pair was an author panelist at the convention, and it amused me that I knew someone who was a panelist.  When I talk to autistic adults, their experiences are more like mine than any other people I know.  It's like autistics send out flare gun signals that attract anyone who might gain something by preying on outcasts and isolationists.

To be fair, I'm only assuming the guy was a vivisectionist.  There were a few clues, though.  First, he kept telling me that he had some extreme fetishes.  Second, he said that he was into throbbing arteries, and he noted that I was difficult to read that way.  It's true, my arteries do a good job of "hiding" so that nurses always have a difficult time collecting blood from me.  Third, he said that he especially liked hearts.  He asked if I had ever seen one, and they were like powerful muscular balloons.  He failed if he was trying to scare or intimidate me.  I already know that humans are weird, and I don't really enjoy spending time around them.  Instead, I was just... "disappointed", I think is the correct word.  Other people attend conventions without vivisectionists telling them that they're one of the best looking people there.  Not me, though.

I guess I just can't take a compliment.

Happy holiday.  The date is 10-11-12, if you're a backward American who orders time components illogically.

edit 2012.10.18: I recently encountered this comic strip, and it embodies the experience fairly well.  Maybe it's not as rare as I thought?  Kinda sad, really.

mellowtigger: (all i have)
Rarely do I run across two independent artists whose efforts together are even better than their separate works. This video is one such combination. It's not fair to call it a collaboration, since the songwriter didn't envision the video. But, well, just watch the magic.

The lyrics alone tell such a haunting story...

She stops going out, she just lies there in bed
in hotels in whatever towns they are speaking.
Then her face starts to set, and her hands start to fold,
And one day the dried fig of her heart stops its beating.

Long ago on the ship, she asked "Why pyramids?"
He said "Think of them as an immense invitation."
She asks "Are you cursed?" He says "I think that I'm cured."
Then he kissed her and hoped that she'd forget that question.

... but a previous line about "girls in bulrushes" recalls the imagery of yet another poem/song.

Auld Nature swears, the lovely dears
Her noblest work she classes, O:
Her prentice han’ she try’d on man,
An’ then she made the lasses, O.

Green grow the rashes, O;
Green grow the rashes, O;
The sweetest hours that e’er I spend,
Are spent amang the lasses, O.

Obviously "The Curse" is a lot more complicated than mere recollection of youthful indiscretion.

This song offers storytelling that isn't simplistic.  I may have to buy the guy's cd just to support and encourage more of his creative work.
mellowtigger: (absurdity)
Lara Binman and Graham LovhaugI attended the marriage of a coworker today.  The new husband and wife will be going to London for their honeymoon vacation.  (I'm working extra hours for the next 2 weeks to help cover for his absence.)

I've attended several weddings during my lifetime.  I've attended weddings for many couples and for one triad (1 male, 2 females).  I've attended weddings for heterosexuals and for homosexuals.  Only about half of the weddings I've attended were ever recognized as legitimate social contracts by the government.  Among those that were recognized, the majority of them were "shotgun weddings".  That phrase means that the marriage was performed only because the guy got the girl pregnant.  What does it say about the sanctity of this institution when most of the people (in my limited experience as a wedding guest) who get the power of government authority behind their marriages are the least likely to treat the process respectfully?

Today's wedding had been planned for almost 2 years by the happy couple.  Apparently the calendar date "10-10-10" was a popular marriage date for many people around the whole planet.  The nice ceremony made me realize that, in stark contrast, shotgun weddings really aren't very elaborate with the ceremony.  Given my prior experience with "straight" weddings, I stopped at a Burger King a few blocks from the event so I could eat a quick meal before attending.  I didn't realize or remember that these big events include a catered meal, free champagne, mood lights, and even a 4-tier chocolate fountain with fruit kabobs.  Doh!  My mistake!  I tried to eat some of everything anyway, because it was all so sumptuous.  :)

My last wedding was about 13 years ago, among the family of my last boyfriend.  Fred's younger sister was getting married down in Corpus Christi, Texas.  We drove from Austin to help set up the event in the back yard.  I thought that it all turned out very nice, actually.  I was pleased to help out.  I was probably oblivious to a lot of what was really happening, though.  Weeks or months later, she miscarried.  The guy promptly divorced her.  Shotgun weddings just aren't very reliable.  Social coercion seems like a really bad motivator for marital stability, regardless of what the various religions claim.  Social support seems like a good idea, but coercion doesn't.  I think it's a tremendously bad idea to start claiming authority over who must and who must not marry.

My first gay wedding was about 20 years ago.  It was a nice ceremony at the huge house of two professors from Texas A&M University.  It was simple, mostly just a commemoration of the relationship that they had already built together.

My favorite wedding was about 17 years ago, and it was the triad.  We guests sat in a circle on the ground outdoors under the blue sky.  The triad sat in the center while they said their vows to each other.  They blessed some bread and some water.  We all passed it around the circle while taking some of it to enjoy.  It was very low-key, and I liked it a lot.

I expect never to marry.  I think seriously and approvingly of the concept of marriage, but I just don't see it happening to me.  Nevertheless, I still find it enjoyable to see that other people embark on such journeys of self-discovery.  Marriage can be a good thing.  Such social contracts happen all the time.  It would be nice if government would recognize what's already happening in the society.  Legal support (especially in time of distress at a hospital) is very helpful.
mellowtigger: (Ark II)
I didn't do anything at all with the garden. Rainy skies and general malaise kept me indoors all weekend. I was lazy. I slept. I watched tv on the couch while huddled underneath a blanket. I wondered about might-have-beens that are usually best left unexamined.

I'm noticing numbness in my hands this weekend, similar to what's been in my feet for years. Left hand is more affected. I rub fingertips together and feel... pressure and tingling, I guess, but no texture at all except some in the pinky finger.

Varian, healer from the futureI downloaded the entire broadcast season for The Fantastic Journey (1977). It's never been released in any format (beta, vhs, cd, dvd), but some kind people have uploaded every single episode (in 10-minute parts) to YouTube. I downloaded them all from there and watched them at my pc. As with Ark II, I remember it mostly for the group's leader as another example of what I think is the ideal man.

The man named Varian showed up in the first episode in a way that was out of character for the rest of the series. The disguise immediately drew my interest, but the character still lived up to my standards later on.

Varian was supposed to appear as an Arawak Indian. Sure, it's a truly awful disguise (picture here, could the hair be any more fake?), but it showed the man sporting long hair and little clothing, which is how I'd prefer living my life too if I could stay in warm weather away from mosquitoes and people. Varian doesn't speak at all at this point in the show, and mute wins bonus points from me too.

Varian uses futuristic technology to heal the broken arm of a shipwrecked old man. Later, we learn that Varian is from the year 2230 (I think), a healer (in the mystic sense), and a pacifist (usually). Ideal man, someone trying to heal the world no matter what tough circumstances that life forces us all to confront. I think I could live in a world of people like that.

Might-have-beens again. Snap out of it.
mellowtigger: (AIDS)
I think maybe I have only one photograph that includes both me and a boyfriend.  That photo is of me and Carl during a trip to Alaska.  Here we are, pictured standing on top of a glacier that was fast melting, even back in 1995.  My long hair is tied back because of the wind.

Carl was 10 years older than me, and he had AIDS (not just HIV).  He wanted to spend his wealth before he died, so he took a lot of trips.  I had no money for such extravagances, and I disliked him spending money on me, but the Alaska opportunity was a once-in-a-lifetime offer that I knew I couldn't turn down.  So I scheduled a week off from work and we went together, on his dollar.

It was one of those boat cruises that cater specifically to gay male couples.  I got the opportunity (rare for me at the time) to see dozens of couples who had been together for years or decades.  That trip was, unfortunately, the death knell for our relationship.  As I told Carl afterwards, "It's like everybody else knows what to do, but I still don't."  If I had my autism diagnosis back then, I think maybe we both might have learned how to work together.  We might have endured as a couple.  At the time, though, I knew that I was frequently confused or unsure or something far worse... unaware.  My obliviousness did hurt Carl on several occasions.

Carl wanted a "clean break", so we didn't contact each other after we split up.  The one exception was when he called me to ask for help in picking up a medication at the pharmacy that he needed right away.  He couldn't get there himself, and he couldn't find anyone else to do it quickly either.  I was glad to help.

There are other memorable details of our time together. Like our sense of humor that seemed to "click" really well for us.  Like the "familiarity" that seemed so natural between us.  Like the fact that our relationship (only 1.5 years) was the longest that I've ever had with anyone.  Like me wanting to pay as much as I could afford in rent each month (was it maybe a pittance of $200/month?), even though we lived in his $300,000+ condominium.  And other stuff that I might include someday in a post on a different topic.

I paid $3 today at one of those public records websites.  I confirmed that their information was for the right guy.  We lived together at 3845 FM 2222, Austin TX 78746.  Somehow, even the phone number 512-323-5355 seems familiar.

Carl West Collier
born: 1957 December 14
died: 2002 January 13 (age 44)

I assume that he died of AIDS complications, but I didn't shell out the extra bucks for death certificates and other details.  He was a rich man, and the one time that he tried to broach the topic of his will, I told him that he should leave everything to a non-profit organization.  He was very much against that idea.  I hope that he managed either to spend it on himself before he died or to find somebody else important to him.

For the record, we practiced Safer Sex.  I never seroconverted.  I remain HIV-negative.

I should go digging in old boxes to see if I have any other photos of me with other boyfriends.  I can't remember any other pictures at the moment.  It would be strange, though, if this one picture is the only such image that I ever collected in my life.  I tried only one more romance after Carl, before I finally decided (over 12 years ago) to stop inflicting my ineptitude on people that I cared about.  I think Carl would have instantly approved my autism diagnosis if such had been available back then.  As he was prone to sing to me (in Madonna voice): "Express Yourself!"

Yes, I've reverted to traditional pronouns for this entry, in case any of his relatives search his name someday and find this post.  They won't know about my new terminology, and I want them to read without needing a translator.
mellowtigger: (sleepy)
Insomnia. The usual, I suppose. I tried whiskey earlier, but it isn't helping.

Future has been complicated, so lately I've looked to the past instead. Google is grand.

Found "the one" again, who seems blissfully happy. (The bastard. *laugh*) Or at least busy. It helps that I don't entirely approve of what/where zhey's found to do with zheir life, although I did warn zhem about such choices a lifetime ago. This might be a first. I don't think I've written about or mentioned publicly that guy in nearly 20 years. There's some pondering to do on a non-tipsy night.

Found "the ex" for the first time in 12+ years. Zhey moved out of zheir original house to a nearby city.  Zheir father died 3 years ago, which is too bad.  (The father seemed old even when I met zhem, but zhey seemed like a decent man back then.)  I still have a few books that belonged to my ex. I should probably try to let them go too.

Might have found "the long-term ex".  I located one link that said someone by zheir name (with some home city names that I recognized) died back in 2002.  That's possible, although I couldn't find a photo or address on the webpage that would help me confirm.  Zhey got zheir AIDS diagnosis during our 2nd month together (of 18 total months).  That was back in 1996 or so?  Hard to remember such details.  It annoys me a whole lot when I read Minnesota headlines in recent days that the young gay guys here are back to 1986 HIV rates again.  I got through the epidemic while staying HIV-negative, even dating a man with AIDS.  There's no excuse for going backwards to such problems again.

Two others I already know about and communicate online.  I didn't need to search for "the one I came out for".  I visited that gravestone back when I was still a teenager.

Future always seems easier to navigate when there isn't past to carry along.  It's impossible to make all of the parts fit neatly.  Life is jagged.
mellowtigger: (Default)
[ profile] otterlover01 posted an interesting review of a lecture about the chemistry of love.  (Although paragraphs would help.  *wink*)

dopamine phase:
The pheromone chemistry phase is the one where people get all "bent out of shape".  The excitement can be addictive for some people.  On average, this phase lasts 14 months. 

endorphine phase:
After the energy-expensive dopamine phase of excitement ends, the more stable endorphine "pleasure" stage can begin.  It's possible for this phase to last a lifetime.

questions and answers:
Is there a pill or an injection of dopamines or endorphines to create these feelings?  No.
Can we live a higher-intensity loving experience even at an older age?  Maybe, but in general youthful brains will be more energetic.
Are females faithful and males unfaithful?  Hard to measure, since cultural norms differ so much.
Is homosexual love equal to heterosexual love?  They are exactly the same. They are indistinguishable.

I would argue that the dopamine phase is addictive for most people, and that's the main reason why open relationships seem so common these days, so people can continue to acquire this self-produced chemical high.

As for me, I've made only 3 attempts at actual move-in-together relationships.  All of those were long ago.  Each of them lasted only 6-18 months, so they could easily be classified in the dopamine category.

blown awayOnly 2 times, though, have I felt a powerful attraction strong enough to motivate me to do something far outside of my norm.  For one I came out as gay, for the other I made a special trip to visit him.  (An easy thing for other people, but quite difficult for me.  Probably an "autistic thing".)  Those sensations did not begin until I'd already known the person for more than a year (without the usual dopamine reaction).  Sort of like the endorphins have to build until a tipping point is reached and then the dopamine rush gets added on top of it.  Way out of hand, biochemically, but that seems to be what it takes to finally trip my switch.  It should come as no surprise that no actual relationship resulted from either case.  It isn't the way to win friends and influence people (positively).  *laugh*  No mere mortal could endure the onslaught of such an emotional tidal wave.

So I don't know where that puts me on the human chart o' love.  I haven't really tried in a very long time.  I came to the conclusion 11+ years ago that I was a bad match for anyone, so life (for both me and the other guy) would be easier if I just avoided the whole mess.


Nov. 2nd, 2008 10:59 pm
mellowtigger: (Default)
Remember the scene from "Wolf" where Jack Nicholson is in the restroom and hasn't quite acclimated to his new werewolf sensibilities yet, so he starts to pee on the floor to mark his territory? I understand that kind of mindset.  It's not so much the idea of a domineering "MINE" mindset, controlling the use of space, items, or people. It's more about associations and hierarchy. Things are either "Mine" or "Not-Mine". Things become Mine by habit of association. Things become Not-Mine when they are associated with somebody else. It takes a lot of time to build an association for Mine. In contrast, Not-Mine can happen very quickly.

I do wonder sometimes if that's what drives some animals to abandon their infants if they have an unfamiliar scent on them. Not-Mine, with the immediate loss of privileges that accompany the change in status. I also wonder if that's part of what drives monogamous behavior in some animals. *sniff scent* Ah, good, all familiar, so it's still Mine. Anything that breaks the familiarity makes something Not-Mine right away.

In years past, I would actually go hungry rather than enter a kitchen that someone else had used. College days weren't easy for that sort of thing. Trying to push my boundaries and actually cook in any kitchen space would make me a nervous wreck. I was a trespasser, and my senses would go into panic mode right away. It wasn't until age 38 or so that I managed to adapt myself to using a kitchen when no one else was around, then later to not panic if someone came in while I was preparing my food, then later to enter a kitchen while other people were there. I think I've pretty much moved past the kitchen issue now. It would've helped to be this calm about it back in my 20s when I was trying to cook for a boyfriend. Me trying to cook for someone was a bad combination for my mental health. I did it (with marginal success) only twice that I can remember.

I was reminded of these things on Saturday night when I went out for a beer. The local gay rodeo group was having a beer bust fundraiser downtown, so I went out there to join them.  One guy in the bar caught my glance right away because of his longish hair.  A few minutes later, though, he got up on stage and started taking his clothes off.  Ah, he's working here tonight.  Available for everyone to view, therefore Not-Mine, so I lost interest.  The only person to come up and talk to me was a black guy with short dreads.  (Not very long, but enough longhair for me to enjoy the look.)  He gave me his card so I could call and maybe come to his place for a massage.  He did this while his boyfriend was standing there with him.  Again, available for everyone, therefore Not-Mine.

If I separate out any long-term social thinking, I can "go with the flow" of the short-term encounters.  Since everyone in such situations is an interloper, there is no breach of territory for me to experience worry/panic.  At least, I was able to act that way a long time ago during what I refer to as my "slut phase".  :)  It only lasted about 3 or 4 years, because it really wasn't a good way of thinking for me.  Mine and Not-Mine are pretty strong motivators for my observable behavior.  It's better to accommodate them than to suppress them.

Wanting a monogamous relationship makes me an archaic old fogey in the gay universe, I know.  It really isn't Christian puritanism that motivates me, though.  If that's what motivates other people, then I suppose I should be attending a church somewhere to find a suitable partner someday.  *shiver*  No, no, just kidding.  Like country dancing, though, it's something that I'd like to do after I've already found a partner who's interested in joining me, not do it first in order to find the partner.  I'm just backwards that way, I know.
mellowtigger: (Default)
Good for them, out in California, in their state supreme court win for legal gay marriages. I like it when people achieve something significant that they want, and it doesn't really cost anything of others. Marriage as a concept is something that I have other opinions about and I'm sure to write about them someday, but that's not the point of this post.

There are some things ("warm fuzzy" sorts of things) that I find nice to think about, but that I know are never to be part of my experience.

Childbirth. I think it's truly an awesome concept to be pregnant and to give birth. To develop another life inside your own body and then set it out into the world. Utterly fascinating. But not something that I'll ever experience, because random chance left me male, without the proper equipment to bear children. Beautiful to behold, but not part of my life. That wonder is not for me to know.

Marriage. I wish I could know what it's like to be in a lifelong relationship. Not just for the waking moments, but also just for the sake of sleeping next to a warm comforting body at night. Just magical. But not something that I'll ever experience. Sure the legal hurdles are falling, but random chance left me a loner, without the proper equipment to maintain relationships. Beautiful to behold, but not part of my life. That wonder is not for me to know.

Home. I imagine how nice it would be to have some stability in material things as well. A place that can never go away, someplace to belong always. Both the building/landscape (house and garden) and the concept of companionship too (the marriage thing again). How reassuring that must be. But not something that I'll ever experience, because random chance left me too simpleminded, without skill to navigate the complex legal/bureaucratic landscape that is necessary to acquire such things. Nice concept, but not part of my life. That wonder is not for me to know.

Back in the 1980s, during my crash-and-burn period when I was seeing multiple counselors, the shrinks asked me at some point what I thought about the couples I saw holding hands around campus. I told them that it was something that I'd never know myself, although I wasn't clear back then about why. I already knew then that I was just built differently and that pleasant things that others took for granted would not be a part of my life. Then in the 1990s, when I ended my last relationship, I just sort of reaffirmed the realization and so I haven't tried inflicting myself upon anyone since then. I figure now in the 2000s, post-diagnosis, I'm a lot better equipped for such things, but... knowing that I'm just not built for these endeavors, I suppose it's a question of how much effort I want to put into overcoming innate obstacles.

So it's the happy, fertile, friendly people who get to marry and raise children in their homes. I'm still other people, doing my part to balance out the cosmic equation.

Good for them, though. I'm willing and able to help them build better futures. It's not something I expect to receive myself, but I'll certainly help out the effort anyway.
mellowtigger: (Default)
(Semi-)Seriously. I've been saying it for years already. But I lurk on the local Gaylaxian email list, and they're discussing topics for future panel discussions and one of them is how some saturday morning cartoon characters might be gay.

I'll explain my title, though.

In September 1976, when this show first started, I was only 8 years old. I felt a peculiar fascination not only with the show Ark II (because of its science geek setting) but also a particular interest in the lead character played by Terry Lester (who was later some sort of daytime soap opera heartthrob, I think). The thing is, though, his character Jonah was (and still is) my idea of the perfect man.

  1. Fuzzy-faced, with long-ish shaggy hair and a full beard.
  2. Intelligent, with knowledge of biology and chemistry.
  3. Trustworthy. He was the leader of this band of do-gooders. Supposedly there were other Arks on the same mission elsewhere but we never got to see them.
  4. Soft-spoken. He seldom raised his voice, trying (usually) reason instead of intimidation.
  5. He could fly. (He had a jetpack so he could fly through the air like a true superhero. *laugh*)
  6. Good with animals. He taught Adam, a chimpanzee teammate, to speak English. (In the show, of course.)
  7. Tech geek. He lived in the Ark, a mobile technology lab.
  8. Ecologist. He worked with others to help repair the environment in this post-apocalyptic world.
  9. Pacifist.  His handheld weapon was some kind of light source that would confuse its target, disabling them.
  10. Cute. And, try as I might, I can't entirely dismiss that I liked his appearance in his tight orange/white uniform.
In short....

The perfect man.

I want one of him for my own, thank you.

Saturday morning television made me gay.  I have the dvd set of this show's episodes.  If any locals would like to watch it, just let me know.  :)


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