Aug. 28th, 2010

mellowtigger: (all i have)
Isolation usually helps me through the difficult thinks that need thinking. Not so much this time, though. Maybe I'm still being too intertwined with activities to get the necessary distance for proper perspective. I'm unsure. All plans are off the table for the moment, and that uncertainty provokes a strange emotion (pale but persistent) that I haven't identified yet.

Previously unblogged are the accounts of my near-stumbles as my right foot folds sideways during a simple step forward, or the muscle cramp while driving that had me looking for someplace to pull over, or the strange ache in a muscle (that I never knew was so important) on the side of my right leg because it grows weak enough to complain about "single-handedly" supporting my entire body as my left foot rises to advance forward. Without a diagnosis, I don't know what's coming next in the continuing saga of neuron problems. Ignorance has me questioning what plans I can reasonably make for even 2 years from now.

I've been pondering issues of my past, present, and future.  These shifts of my attention between time frames do cause some new confusion(s). It's always difficult for me to imagine my future, any future. Trying to imagine with all of these new kinds of uncertainties... it makes the experience even more strange. I think it may be inevitable (read: according to my nature) that I remain "undecided" about everything in my life for now.  I want a diagnosis so that I can have some idea of what to expect from the future.

Hiatus (however brief) is now over.  Life remains a confusing jumble of memories, emotions, and expectations.

lap cat

Aug. 28th, 2010 09:51 am
mellowtigger: (T'Reese)
Jose in my lapIf I were able to make plans for a domestic future, I think I would be using this time to find another cat. T'Reese is old, and it would be good for me to find "backup support" for myself during the inevitable loss of my longest companion. Not knowing my current condition or projected future, though, leaves me hesitant to make any long term commitment to any plan.

Still, life is not without its temptations.

Jose tempting meI found a wonderful lap cat at work this week. I should have already placed an "employee hold" on this animal so I could begin adoption paperwork and preparations at home.

Jose has dark orange eyes that just captivate me. Soft fur, tolerant of petting, growing tolerance of the other cats in the group room, instinct for laying down in my lap... I should be taking Jose home with me already.

Jose also seems to enjoy tilting backwards to look up at me, tempting me to lower my face to scratch my fuzzy chin against Jose's furry forehead.  We've already repeated this silly ritual many times this week.  Jose purrs very softly against my jaw as my reward for following the obvious protocol.

I hope Jose gets adopted this weekend, so the temptation isn't there on Monday.


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