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mellowtiggerRegret, as I understand it, isn't an emotion that I've felt before. I think it means a profound disappointment in one's own choice of behavior in a specific situation, wishing one had the opportunity to go back in time to choose differently. If that's what it is, then no, I haven't yet really experienced regret. I have made mistakes. I do know shame for some of my bad decisions. I have wished with great heartache for different outcomes. But I haven't known regret.
Still, while digging around for my singing school certificates last night, I found another document that reminded me of one of those sad circumstances where I wish things had turned out differently. It's a pretty good example of the scattershot skill and understanding that's long been a part of my life.
I was accepted, back in 1986, to MIT to study for a bachelor of science degree in electrical engineering.
I didn't attend.
Still, while digging around for my singing school certificates last night, I found another document that reminded me of one of those sad circumstances where I wish things had turned out differently. It's a pretty good example of the scattershot skill and understanding that's long been a part of my life.
I was accepted, back in 1986, to MIT to study for a bachelor of science degree in electrical engineering.
I didn't attend.
I wanted to attend. I really, really wanted to. I understood the significance and... prestige? of the offer. I knew what doors it could open for me. Their paperwork stated that they never turned anyone away for financial need.
They lied.
Bureaucratic paperwork always confuses me, and I don't particularly understand why. My diagnosis (Asperger's Syndrome) mostly explains it, it's a common feature anyway, but it always amazes me that I can be so plainly stupid at some things when I'm generally such a bright guy. For MIT in particular, I went to great lengths to explain in the financial aid applications why I needed the money. I was so very disappointed when the MIT paperwork came back and I saw a small, profound "0.00" (zero) in the aid offer. I knew it meant that I wasn't going to school there.
I wasn't going to MIT (my first choice) because although I could pass the admissions tests, I was too stupid to figure out the financial aid. I wasn't going to Purdue (my second choice) for the same reason. I wasn't going to Texas A&M (my last choice) for the same reason.
I should explain how I ended up attending a college at all...
My high school ran their graduation a bit differently than most schools. They figured that after a few years of schooling, a few thousandths of a point in grade point average isn't really a good indicator of who is the best student. So to determine school ranking (for valedictorian and salutatorian) they provide a senior year test (across all subjects) to see who actually remembers the most and performs the best. By gpa, I was ranked 11th in a graduating class of about 400. By test, however, I jumped up a few spots to 4th place. It was our 1st-place valedictorian who helped me out.
The local Exchange Club (community-involved business execs) hosted a luncheon on 1986 May 12 to recognize excellence in students of the graduating class, one student from each of 5 disciplines. There were 10 students total, 5 from each of the two high schools in town. It was a big deal. We attended with our parents. Special guests included the two high school principals, the ISD superintendent, and the whole ISD school board. Fancy stuff.
Yes, I'm the fuzzy-faced beanpole in the center. I was there to represent the discipline of science. To the right is the guy who scored 3rd on the graduation test. (He was being recognized for his skill in mathematics. I had a very small crush for him. A smart guy can get my attention, even back then. *laugh*) On the lower left is the woman who scored 1st on the test and became our valedictorian. She's the one who got me into college.
She heard that I was receiving no financial aid from MIT. She asked me about other schools, and I told her that I was getting the same results at all of them. She said that she was going to Texas A&M and asked if I had applied there. Yes, and I'd been accepted. She came back to me later with a simple (less than 10 questions, I think), one-page (one-sided too?) sheet of paper. She told me to fill it in and mail it off. I didn't really understand it, but I did as I was told. Soon after, I got a letter stating that I had a full-tuition scholarship to Texas A&M. So that's where I went to college.
I had no idea how it happened. I still don't. She was one of the "rich kids" attending our public school. Notice her two necklaces, one bracelet, and five rings. I always assumed that she used her financial connections to pull some strings for me. That's the best understanding that I've ever had of how I went to college.
Smart enough to get into MIT. Stupid enough to not get there. Story of my life, in a lot of ways. It fits stereotypically well the autistic model of scattershot functional abilities.
But, that's one of several stories where I wish things had turned out differently in my life. Not regret exactly, but as close as it comes for me.
They lied.
Bureaucratic paperwork always confuses me, and I don't particularly understand why. My diagnosis (Asperger's Syndrome) mostly explains it, it's a common feature anyway, but it always amazes me that I can be so plainly stupid at some things when I'm generally such a bright guy. For MIT in particular, I went to great lengths to explain in the financial aid applications why I needed the money. I was so very disappointed when the MIT paperwork came back and I saw a small, profound "0.00" (zero) in the aid offer. I knew it meant that I wasn't going to school there.
I wasn't going to MIT (my first choice) because although I could pass the admissions tests, I was too stupid to figure out the financial aid. I wasn't going to Purdue (my second choice) for the same reason. I wasn't going to Texas A&M (my last choice) for the same reason.
I should explain how I ended up attending a college at all...
My high school ran their graduation a bit differently than most schools. They figured that after a few years of schooling, a few thousandths of a point in grade point average isn't really a good indicator of who is the best student. So to determine school ranking (for valedictorian and salutatorian) they provide a senior year test (across all subjects) to see who actually remembers the most and performs the best. By gpa, I was ranked 11th in a graduating class of about 400. By test, however, I jumped up a few spots to 4th place. It was our 1st-place valedictorian who helped me out.
The local Exchange Club (community-involved business execs) hosted a luncheon on 1986 May 12 to recognize excellence in students of the graduating class, one student from each of 5 disciplines. There were 10 students total, 5 from each of the two high schools in town. It was a big deal. We attended with our parents. Special guests included the two high school principals, the ISD superintendent, and the whole ISD school board. Fancy stuff.
Yes, I'm the fuzzy-faced beanpole in the center. I was there to represent the discipline of science. To the right is the guy who scored 3rd on the graduation test. (He was being recognized for his skill in mathematics. I had a very small crush for him. A smart guy can get my attention, even back then. *laugh*) On the lower left is the woman who scored 1st on the test and became our valedictorian. She's the one who got me into college.
She heard that I was receiving no financial aid from MIT. She asked me about other schools, and I told her that I was getting the same results at all of them. She said that she was going to Texas A&M and asked if I had applied there. Yes, and I'd been accepted. She came back to me later with a simple (less than 10 questions, I think), one-page (one-sided too?) sheet of paper. She told me to fill it in and mail it off. I didn't really understand it, but I did as I was told. Soon after, I got a letter stating that I had a full-tuition scholarship to Texas A&M. So that's where I went to college.
I had no idea how it happened. I still don't. She was one of the "rich kids" attending our public school. Notice her two necklaces, one bracelet, and five rings. I always assumed that she used her financial connections to pull some strings for me. That's the best understanding that I've ever had of how I went to college.
Smart enough to get into MIT. Stupid enough to not get there. Story of my life, in a lot of ways. It fits stereotypically well the autistic model of scattershot functional abilities.
But, that's one of several stories where I wish things had turned out differently in my life. Not regret exactly, but as close as it comes for me.
no subject
Date: 2008-Feb-12, Tuesday 06:06 pm (UTC)12 years earlier, my financial aid was pretty decent, though by your era I gather loans were a bigger part of the package. Obviously something went wrong in your application, and in hindsight a few calls to the right people could probably have fixed it, much as your friend helped you with the bureaucracy at A&M. But A&M is a good school and you can't guess what awful things might have happened to you at MIT (which has a high suicide rate!)