triptych

Another dream. It's only been 4 months since the last one, so this seems a little "soon" to have another. I'm having a harder time interpreting this one, though. There is no smooth transition between scenes. They jump directly from one instance one to another.

( Read the three scenes... )

Interpretation: I'm mostly at a loss on this one. The lightning/shadow seems like a fair metaphor for the nerve tics and damage, and perhaps a caution that they're encroaching upon the normal metabolism of my body (city construction) and causing some secondary problem (the "poison" in the city pipes). That's as far as I can take the interpretation though. Too many disjointed pieces for me to see a whole yet.

definition of Bear

In light of recent drama (text not safe for work) about the word "Bear", I've decided to offer my own definition. I'm not the Keeper Of Names, so I don't get to stamp labels of Satisfactory or Unsatisfactory on magazines and websites that use the word. Everybody does their own thing, so the word evolves. I do have a specific definition, though, and I prefer it to any other that's been offered.

What first drew me to the Bear crowd (was it almost 20 years ago?) was the idea that "Different is good". I didn't have to be blond, built, hairless, and gorgeous for someone to find me attractive just as I am. I could be brunette, unsculpted, hairy, and ugly, yet still meet friends. I didn't have to act the part of club circuit boy, disc jockey diva, gym bunny, or "party favor" plaything for someone to want to spend time talking with me. I could be a non-smoking, non-drinking, computer geek, and total nerd, yet still find someone who was utterly fascinated by who I am.

That was the idea back then, when I first got involved. It's the definition that I created for what I saw happening. I would never be Hot Guy for the masses, and that was okay. I just wanted to be Hot Guy for one special person, that was all. Bears offered the powerful counter-cultural message that "You can be utterly desirable by being yourself without spending your time trying to fit the glamour pattern of the day." I still believe in the concept, however fruitless it might be for me personally (plenty of other reasons for that, unrelated to Bearness).

Gay media, just like straight media, cranks out images that are very uniform for their particular audience. If enough people are interested and willing to pay a buck for something, then industry cranks out the mass produced garbage to meet expectations. Whoever is unworthy of mainstream attention (and that can change as culture itself changes) will remain welcome under the miscellanea banner of the Bear flag. "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." It's like that. I am the wretched refuse, and I too want a place to belong.

I don't want to have to be young or muscled or groomed or athletic or coifed or hung or waxed or rich or... anything at all, really... in order to be worthy of anyone's attention. I want to be noticed specifically for what I am. I want to be valued for the person I became, the unique parts of me that remained intact after growing up, not those many features that I learned to emulate from others in the social conformity machine. As long we continue playing the giant social game of picking favorites to join our various teams, the unwanted leftovers will always be welcome among My Bears.

That is my home, such as it is. Bearness is an attraction that exists because there's a deeply personal and unique reason for its blooming presence, not because it is the perpetuation of cultural norms of popularity. Your mileage, of course, may vary. Especially in recent years.