holding hands

[mellowtigger]

Around 4pm today, I handed off the pager to my cohort at work.  Freedom!  For a week, at least, I am no longer tied to my computer so that I can deal with calls that come in.  I'm hoping to attend a Bear visit to a local drive-in theater tomorrow night since I don't have obligations at work.

So today as soon as I came home from work, I changed clothes and then walked out to the bus stop to catch a ride to downtown Minneapolis and the 19 Bar.  I brought a book with me, but I didn't do much reading.  It's late enough in the year that it gets dark early at this latitude.  I did manage to talk to 3 strangers though. That's good progress for me.  One of them was a man about 20 years older than me who also had long hair.  The other 2 were less intentional on my part but equally welcome.

A semi-closeted asian woman named Gigi (soft G pronunciation on both consonants, jzhi-jzhi) asked me if this was always a men's bar.  At the time she asked, she was the only woman present.  That was unusual.  She said that she appreciated my talking to her tonight.  One of the things that I like about the 19 Bar is that it's often a lot more "integrated" than that.  I let her know that things would improve later in the evening.  She was visiting from a local community college, intending to meet other women from the University of Minnesota who were supposed to be holding a social event at the 19 that night.  They showed up much later, and Gigi managed to visit them for a while.  Good for her!

While she and I talked, a semi-closeted man from Wisconsin joined us.  He took a few breaks to the back patio to smoke, but it was a nice trio of conversation for a while tonight.  They both left sooner than I did, but I eventually headed out to catch the bus back home.  While waiting at a bus stop (leading into the subject for this post), I noticed the numerous couples walking around downtown Minneapolis tonight as they held each other's hands.  I remembered a moment, some 2 decades ago, back at Texas A&M University during my "crash and burn" phase.

I think it was 1988.  The two shrinks (yes, there were two during the one session.  i was a serious basket case at the time.) who should have put me in an institution against my will but they didn't for unknown reasons, they asked me what I thought of the couples that I saw walking around campus.  I told them that I was angry.  It was, I think, the only instance when I used an emotion-word to answer them.  I had more anger than necessary at the time, because of the various shit(s) that I had to deal with back then.  I told them that I was angry at them, because I knew that I would never experience what they all took for granted, walking in a crowded area without concern about their status.

Back in college, I hadn't yet ever successfully dated anyone.  But I still plainly knew that I wasn't going to be like other people.  My only two attempts to date in college resulted in some profoundly bad experiences.  The first, he turned out to be a compulsive liar.  The second, he left for reasons that I have never understood even 20 years later.

There's no anger now, when I watch people hold hands.  I don't know an emotion-word to describe what I do feel though.  It's not really envy.  It's definitely not jealousy.  It's definitely not anger.  What would be the word for the emotion that slaves felt 200 years ago in America when they saw "free" people roaming the same countryside and the slaves wanted to be free too but knew that they never would experience that feeling?

It's a complicated concept.  I don't know a word for it.  But 20 years later, I still haven't held hands with someone I wanted to be with, disregarding my surroundings and just enjoying the company.

*waiting impatiently for the pizza to arrive*

Comments

Thanks you and a comment

[otterlover01.livejournal.com]

First, thank you very much for adding me as a friend here MellowTigger, I feel honored. I must apologize because I thought about adding you too but was just being shy. *blush* I think you are a very nice, intelligent, interesting human being from the start.

I read this entry and in the end I must tell you I truly understand the sentiment you mention because I have felt it too so many times. It was particularly intense during my early 20's when I was coming out and studying atthe university, with all that political and indeologicalturmoil of the end of the 60's and beginning of the 70's; to see all those couples holding hands and making out everywhere unashamedly and knowing that the same was forbidden to us gay people, even being among those who considered themselves, "revolutionary" or "liberal" or even "radical". It was the time when gays were considered "perverted" by conservatives and "decadent" by liberals and "mentally ill" by Psychiatrists and Psychologists. Now that gay people is slightly more accepted almost everywjere (a very limited almost though) this sentiment has become a little less intense though. I think you are right, there is not a word for it but I consider it to be something real.

Thank you again my friend.
Luis.

[dangerdhotrod.livejournal.com]

i know exactly how you feel about holding hands, i always feel weird and sad about it when i do hold hands with someone or otherwise just put my arm around someone and feel maybe scared or paranoid about it. its a feeling straight people will never know or understand. but the flipside of that is that if you do it anyway that can drop away in not caring and that can feel pretty awesome and powerful. so that's a feeling that straight people will never know either. so instead of one normal kind of experience you can get two different kinds - one bad and one good.

[bearbarry.livejournal.com]

There are places where you can be openly affectionate as a gay. In the Wilton Manors community near Fort Lauderdale you can openly walk hand-in-hand, and nobody would notice. It's very empowering.

[khrysso.livejournal.com]

I wonder if "wistful" is the word for the feeling you want to identify?

[mellowtigger]

I think I'd settle for an empowering experience. Trouble is, though, that it shouldn't be empowering. It should just be so unimportant that it's taken for granted.

Still... I'd settle for empowering. :)

[mellowtigger]

That's a nice combination of sentiments. Yes, I think that's very close to the correct description.

[mellowtigger]

Nice to see you posting again. Yes, I sometimes wear a t-shirt that has photos of same-sex couples kissing each other. The text reads, "Every kiss a revolution." It's weird that it should have to be that way, but it's really difficult to avoid the implication. Hopefully it's a "generational" thing, and young kids these days won't feel it as strongly.

Re: Thanks you and a comment

[mellowtigger]

I hope you're right about it becoming less intense. Progress is good.

[fingertrouble.livejournal.com]

I think even now, with my partner part of that early gay rights movement and me 27 years younger, I still check myself and around when we hold hands. Just for a moment. In London, in Soho even.

I wish that fear (it's more of a nagging doubt) would go away. But I suppose it only will when no-one ever gets abused/bashed or seen as 'other' and yes I have experienced all of those.