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I'm "living in the past" at the moment. It's hard enough to keep timelines straight anyway, but this weekend is being more odd than usual. I finally had to crash this afternoon, 5-9pm, after getting stressed out about trying to stitch together old social storylines again. I should try to write a story-metaphor sometime to explain what this kind of activity feels like, since the discomfort/confusion plays a prominent part in why I tend to leave busy social gatherings.
About 3 years ago, I went through a (not unusual) withdrawal phase. I canceled various email accounts and put up holiday notices on others for several months to help myself get a little more focused on life-maintaining tasks. Since I came back 2.5 years ago, the main Inbox in my thunderbird client program has been filling up. I started yesterday with cleaning out old emails, so I was already reliving past moments while rereading those messages.
One recent email thread (about computer gaming) reminded me about facebook, so I decided to update my account information there. When I added my high school, I discovered that several people that I knew back then suddenly showed up as "People You May Know". I actually pulled out a high school yearbook to make sure that I remembered one of them correctly. More reliving past moments. Then I decided to update my myspace profile too. Lots more past moments to contend with.
I made a mistake by looking for (and finding) one particular myspace account. Remember when I talked about my ideal man? Well, it turns out that someone I knew long ago looks very much like that now with his new shaggy hair and full beard. Distracting/painful. And remember just a few weeks ago when I talked about conversations in college that I really enjoyed? Well, I found a half-year-old message in the myspace mailbox from someone who participated in those old forum discussions. His introduction email also mentioned other places that I had been since then.
Past/present collisions. It's hard enough to keep them distinct anyway. Tiring weekend. I suppose that, for me, a healthy relationship with someone would include these persistent tie-ins with the past and present but also suggest possibilities of continuation in the future as well. Storylines with continuity. Knowing that these old memories don't "go anywhere" though... just sort of takes the momentum of experiences and motivations and then crashes them into a brick wall. It takes some effort to shake off the disorientation and pick a direction to start moving again.
About 3 years ago, I went through a (not unusual) withdrawal phase. I canceled various email accounts and put up holiday notices on others for several months to help myself get a little more focused on life-maintaining tasks. Since I came back 2.5 years ago, the main Inbox in my thunderbird client program has been filling up. I started yesterday with cleaning out old emails, so I was already reliving past moments while rereading those messages.
One recent email thread (about computer gaming) reminded me about facebook, so I decided to update my account information there. When I added my high school, I discovered that several people that I knew back then suddenly showed up as "People You May Know". I actually pulled out a high school yearbook to make sure that I remembered one of them correctly. More reliving past moments. Then I decided to update my myspace profile too. Lots more past moments to contend with.
I made a mistake by looking for (and finding) one particular myspace account. Remember when I talked about my ideal man? Well, it turns out that someone I knew long ago looks very much like that now with his new shaggy hair and full beard. Distracting/painful. And remember just a few weeks ago when I talked about conversations in college that I really enjoyed? Well, I found a half-year-old message in the myspace mailbox from someone who participated in those old forum discussions. His introduction email also mentioned other places that I had been since then.
Past/present collisions. It's hard enough to keep them distinct anyway. Tiring weekend. I suppose that, for me, a healthy relationship with someone would include these persistent tie-ins with the past and present but also suggest possibilities of continuation in the future as well. Storylines with continuity. Knowing that these old memories don't "go anywhere" though... just sort of takes the momentum of experiences and motivations and then crashes them into a brick wall. It takes some effort to shake off the disorientation and pick a direction to start moving again.