hauntings

[mellowtigger]

I'm "living in the past" at the moment. It's hard enough to keep timelines straight anyway, but this weekend is being more odd than usual. I finally had to crash this afternoon, 5-9pm, after getting stressed out about trying to stitch together old social storylines again. I should try to write a story-metaphor sometime to explain what this kind of activity feels like, since the discomfort/confusion plays a prominent part in why I tend to leave busy social gatherings.

About 3 years ago, I went through a (not unusual) withdrawal phase. I canceled various email accounts and put up holiday notices on others for several months to help myself get a little more focused on life-maintaining tasks. Since I came back 2.5 years ago, the main Inbox in my thunderbird client program has been filling up. I started yesterday with cleaning out old emails, so I was already reliving past moments while rereading those messages.

One recent email thread (about computer gaming) reminded me about facebook, so I decided to update my account information there. When I added my high school, I discovered that several people that I knew back then suddenly showed up as "People You May Know". I actually pulled out a high school yearbook to make sure that I remembered one of them correctly. More reliving past moments. Then I decided to update my myspace profile too. Lots more past moments to contend with.

I made a mistake by looking for (and finding) one particular myspace account. Remember when I talked about my ideal man? Well, it turns out that someone I knew long ago looks very much like that now with his new shaggy hair and full beard. Distracting/painful. And remember just a few weeks ago when I talked about conversations in college that I really enjoyed? Well, I found a half-year-old message in the myspace mailbox from someone who participated in those old forum discussions. His introduction email also mentioned other places that I had been since then.

Past/present collisions. It's hard enough to keep them distinct anyway. Tiring weekend. I suppose that, for me, a healthy relationship with someone would include these persistent tie-ins with the past and present but also suggest possibilities of continuation in the future as well. Storylines with continuity. Knowing that these old memories don't "go anywhere" though... just sort of takes the momentum of experiences and motivations and then crashes them into a brick wall. It takes some effort to shake off the disorientation and pick a direction to start moving again.

Comments

[khrysso.livejournal.com]

It's kind of ironic to me that I would have added you to my friends-list right at the time that you would post this journal.

I read what you said about not seeing the point of having friends-only blogs, but I remembered you from various times when you've blipped across my radar-screen: from Yahoo groups, probably; and from the old Gay & Bi Longhairs on the Internet, definitely; and I'm thinking also the Radical Faeries digest at queernet, tho only briefly... I've always thought you were attractive both to look at and to read.

So, knowing that you aren't inclined to befriend people who don't have public blogs, I decided that I wanted to see what you had to say even though I'm not putting anything out there myself. I'm going through a period of relative withdrawal myself, perhaps much as you describe in your own life several years ago.

I've had many experiences of the kind of survey of my documented-past as you describe here. I feel very familiar with the way you describe this weekend.

I'm pleased to have an opportunity again to glimpse your take on the world. Perhaps I will find insight in your experience that will help me come to some decisions myself. The synchronicity is kind of exciting.

best regards

KHL

[mellowtigger]

Ah, yes, queernet days. And #gaylonghair on irc. That reminds me of my tribe account, which I haven't used in over a year. Ah, and I see that you maintain a gaylonghair group there. ;)

[khrysso.livejournal.com]

I feel like such a traitor to the cause of long-haired men-loving men, I having buzzed mine all off in 2002. I try to console myself by telling myself that I will always be a longhair in my heart of hearts, but that pep-talk wears thin after a certain number of years.

It feels funny to think of "those days" as being "those days," but it really was a long time ago, wasn't it? I still feel like such a latecomer to the online world, even though I've been a part of it for something like 14 years now. But being as low-tech as I am, I'm really quite far behind where a lot of people are in the internet universe...

Thanks for dropping by my Tribe profile!