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territorial
2008-Nov-02, Sunday 10:59 pmRemember the scene from "Wolf" where Jack Nicholson is in the restroom and hasn't quite acclimated to his new werewolf sensibilities yet, so he starts to pee on the floor to mark his territory? I understand that kind of mindset. It's not so much the idea of a domineering "MINE" mindset, controlling the use of space, items, or people. It's more about associations and hierarchy. Things are either "Mine" or "Not-Mine". Things become Mine by habit of association. Things become Not-Mine when they are associated with somebody else. It takes a lot of time to build an association for Mine. In contrast, Not-Mine can happen very quickly.
I do wonder sometimes if that's what drives some animals to abandon their infants if they have an unfamiliar scent on them. Not-Mine, with the immediate loss of privileges that accompany the change in status. I also wonder if that's part of what drives monogamous behavior in some animals. *sniff scent* Ah, good, all familiar, so it's still Mine. Anything that breaks the familiarity makes something Not-Mine right away.
In years past, I would actually go hungry rather than enter a kitchen that someone else had used. College days weren't easy for that sort of thing. Trying to push my boundaries and actually cook in any kitchen space would make me a nervous wreck. I was a trespasser, and my senses would go into panic mode right away. It wasn't until age 38 or so that I managed to adapt myself to using a kitchen when no one else was around, then later to not panic if someone came in while I was preparing my food, then later to enter a kitchen while other people were there. I think I've pretty much moved past the kitchen issue now. It would've helped to be this calm about it back in my 20s when I was trying to cook for a boyfriend. Me trying to cook for someone was a bad combination for my mental health. I did it (with marginal success) only twice that I can remember.
I was reminded of these things on Saturday night when I went out for a beer. The local gay rodeo group was having a beer bust fundraiser downtown, so I went out there to join them. One guy in the bar caught my glance right away because of his longish hair. A few minutes later, though, he got up on stage and started taking his clothes off. Ah, he's working here tonight. Available for everyone to view, therefore Not-Mine, so I lost interest. The only person to come up and talk to me was a black guy with short dreads. (Not very long, but enough longhair for me to enjoy the look.) He gave me his card so I could call and maybe come to his place for a massage. He did this while his boyfriend was standing there with him. Again, available for everyone, therefore Not-Mine.
If I separate out any long-term social thinking, I can "go with the flow" of the short-term encounters. Since everyone in such situations is an interloper, there is no breach of territory for me to experience worry/panic. At least, I was able to act that way a long time ago during what I refer to as my "slut phase". :) It only lasted about 3 or 4 years, because it really wasn't a good way of thinking for me. Mine and Not-Mine are pretty strong motivators for my observable behavior. It's better to accommodate them than to suppress them.
Wanting a monogamous relationship makes me an archaic old fogey in the gay universe, I know. It really isn't Christian puritanism that motivates me, though. If that's what motivates other people, then I suppose I should be attending a church somewhere to find a suitable partner someday. *shiver* No, no, just kidding. Like country dancing, though, it's something that I'd like to do after I've already found a partner who's interested in joining me, not do it first in order to find the partner. I'm just backwards that way, I know.
I do wonder sometimes if that's what drives some animals to abandon their infants if they have an unfamiliar scent on them. Not-Mine, with the immediate loss of privileges that accompany the change in status. I also wonder if that's part of what drives monogamous behavior in some animals. *sniff scent* Ah, good, all familiar, so it's still Mine. Anything that breaks the familiarity makes something Not-Mine right away.
In years past, I would actually go hungry rather than enter a kitchen that someone else had used. College days weren't easy for that sort of thing. Trying to push my boundaries and actually cook in any kitchen space would make me a nervous wreck. I was a trespasser, and my senses would go into panic mode right away. It wasn't until age 38 or so that I managed to adapt myself to using a kitchen when no one else was around, then later to not panic if someone came in while I was preparing my food, then later to enter a kitchen while other people were there. I think I've pretty much moved past the kitchen issue now. It would've helped to be this calm about it back in my 20s when I was trying to cook for a boyfriend. Me trying to cook for someone was a bad combination for my mental health. I did it (with marginal success) only twice that I can remember.
I was reminded of these things on Saturday night when I went out for a beer. The local gay rodeo group was having a beer bust fundraiser downtown, so I went out there to join them. One guy in the bar caught my glance right away because of his longish hair. A few minutes later, though, he got up on stage and started taking his clothes off. Ah, he's working here tonight. Available for everyone to view, therefore Not-Mine, so I lost interest. The only person to come up and talk to me was a black guy with short dreads. (Not very long, but enough longhair for me to enjoy the look.) He gave me his card so I could call and maybe come to his place for a massage. He did this while his boyfriend was standing there with him. Again, available for everyone, therefore Not-Mine.
If I separate out any long-term social thinking, I can "go with the flow" of the short-term encounters. Since everyone in such situations is an interloper, there is no breach of territory for me to experience worry/panic. At least, I was able to act that way a long time ago during what I refer to as my "slut phase". :) It only lasted about 3 or 4 years, because it really wasn't a good way of thinking for me. Mine and Not-Mine are pretty strong motivators for my observable behavior. It's better to accommodate them than to suppress them.
Wanting a monogamous relationship makes me an archaic old fogey in the gay universe, I know. It really isn't Christian puritanism that motivates me, though. If that's what motivates other people, then I suppose I should be attending a church somewhere to find a suitable partner someday. *shiver* No, no, just kidding. Like country dancing, though, it's something that I'd like to do after I've already found a partner who's interested in joining me, not do it first in order to find the partner. I'm just backwards that way, I know.