disowning

[mellowtigger]

Well, it's happening again.  I posted on this same topic (it was my only Friends-only post) back early in the year when there was still snow on the ground. Apparently I need to put more effort into resolving it.  How does a person go about getting themselves kicked from a family without causing any particular trouble?  Or, at least, less trouble than is being generated by simply avoiding contact?

My urge is to send a single email to all the relevant parties that simply states that I am not who they want me to be.  I figure regardless of how I phrase it, though, they'll just assume that I hate them and then insist that I tell them why, which would satisfy neither my needs nor theirs.  Has anyone out there tried to get disowned by their family?  I have no interest in inheritances, so just being considered by them as a dead relative would really seem the best solution.

"I don't live my life in the company of other people.  This fact should be no surprise to any of you, as you all saw that I made no effort to keep close contact with anyone at any age.  Following this same method for the last 4 decades, I have just moved on with my life.  Those years provided plenty of time for all of you to grow accustomed to the idea that I am simply not like other people.  I have not tried dating in more than a decade because, in part, it is far easier for me to survive just as my self than it is try to try incorporating other people into my life.  I have no interest in maintaining contact with you, but my motivation grows from my own instinct for survival and has little to do with ill will toward anyone from my past.  I can remember a pleasant memory for each of you that I grew up near, but such thoughts do not cause me to consider you part of my life today.  Just think of the day that I moved away from Midland as the day that I died, and move on with your own lives and plans.  I hope someday to finally understand a single person fully, but I think that I do not have enough room in my mind for more than that.  As with the rest of humanity that I encounter, I can be concerned for your troubles and triumphs only in a general sense.  Save your stories and your efforts for people who can be intimately involved in your lives.  I am not such people."

That's my current draft.  If I can't think of any better way to resolve things, I may resort to using it soon.

Yes, I do think that I am being self-consistent here.  There has been a time or two when people who left my immediate vicinity (or I theirs) still left me with a desire to maintain contact over the years.  Thinking forward, though, I've already accepted that I'll have to pass even them into the category of "general humanity" as well.  When I finally decide to make my walk into the forest without coming back, I cannot have any ties to old ways of thinking.  Remembering them would lead me to remembering language.  And language is one of the things that I hope to experiment with leaving behind eventually.  But that's a story for a different post.  Focusing on the here and now, I just need a way to ease my relatives into an understanding that I'll never be the loving [son, brother, uncle, whatever] that they expect, and that I consider myself just another wandering person on a busy planet.

Comments

[foeclan.livejournal.com]

Are they making contact on their own? If not, just leave it be.

If they are, maybe it's worth exploring. People change, and you may find that who you are now may get along better with them than who you were. If nothing else, you can just ignore them, or set up an email filter.

That said, some people are worth cutting out of your life. I can't think of anything my dad could say that would make me willing to tolerate his presence, for example, but that's born out of anger over his past behavior, not my general 'out of sight, out of mind' trend of letting people drift out of my life. I kinda like it when they drift back in, but I don't find it easy to maintain those relationships.

[mellowtigger]

Yes. The most recent email Friday was from someone who identified herself as my sister in law, (yay, I was 90% sure that's who she was, but the confirmation is nice) and she reports that I should be responding to the emails that others in the family send to me. She mentions six people, but I know only 3 of them. The others (who are important to her obviously) I can maybe at best conjure a 20-year-old photo-image of them in my mind, but devoid of any personality at all.

But they seem to be getting worked up over my non-involvement, so I need to convince them that I'm always going to remain non-involved with them and it's not a failure on their part to send me more frequent emails so I can keep in touch.

[dodecadragon.livejournal.com]

Perhaps a simple reply to her of "You mean nothing to me and they mean nothing to me. It's not you, its me, now please leave me alone. Good bye." would do?

[mellowtigger]

Hrmmm. That seems to me as confrontational. Short is good, but I think I should provide more explanation than just "the rules as they now stand". *still pondering my rewrite*

[brianrdu.livejournal.com]

Have you explained to them what autism is like? That they need to look at you under a different microscope? I've read that people with autism, through no fault of their own, don't exhibit much or any empathy. If this is true, the people you come from should know that and attempt to understand that, so they don't think you are being hateful. I read what you wrote above, and if I didn't have the knowledge of your truth (according to what you have written), and if I was a member of your immediate family, I would be hurt and bewildered. For a lot of people, the passing of time can bring acceptance. Your family needs to accept that you are not like them, and that you are on a different path. For you, it's probably the only way forward. For them, it's most likely depressing and confusing that they can't communicate with you on their terms, and that there's nothing they can do to "fix" you. Please reword the draft to include language like this.

[mellowtigger]

They were there during my childhood, so that's why their confusion today is itself confusing to me. If I ever spoke the words, "I love you [mother, father, brother, etc]" then I have no memory of it now. I'm pretty sure that I never did. Moreover, there have been family splits in the past. I know nothing of the "Walkers" besides my father and his two brothers because of just such a family break. It's not like this is altogether new territory for them.

But, yes, I want them to understand rather than cower. I'll try to think of ways to edit for better education.

[mellowtigger]

Oh, and yes I did disclose my diagnosis several years ago. But as with everything else, it's just not something we've discussed in detail.