mortality

[mellowtigger]

Each year, I would get an HIV test, and I would call the time spent waiting for results my "annual dose of mortality". Those two weeks were a good time to reflect on my actions, my choices, my consequences. It's been so many years since I've had sex, though, that I've stopped getting tested too. I've also skipped going to the annual AIDS Walk, but this year I will be joining them on Sunday. I'm going with the Bear team. (You may donate here if you'd like. They're trying to be the #1 donor team this year!)

This participation has me making an overdue revue of mortality. I keep thinking about the many people I've known who did not survive even to my own current age of 41:

• The first guy I had a crush on. He died before he was 20. Stupid driving, solo car accident, no seatbelt, went through the windshield.
• A roommate from college. He died before he was 25. Left school and killed himself a year later.
• The first guy I met at college that I knew was gay. He died before he was 30, maybe even 25, I can't remember. AIDS.
• Another guy from college. He died before he was 25. Murdered by Jesus-loving fag bashers with nail-studded boards.

Plenty of others, mostly AIDS and suicides.  Occasional cancers or heart attacks thrown in for variety.

I think it's "annoyance" that I feel when people die from their own actions in ways that are totally avoidable just by them making a different choice. Random cancers or violent events are unexpected ways to die and can't properly be avoided. When it's possible to see the consequences of one's actions, though, and people choose to just stop paying attention, then I think it's annoying.

Do I really have to slap you around to get you to drive sanely, use a condom, stop smoking, and eat properly? Come on, people, this isn't a test run. This life is the real thing. Give it the attention that it deserves. What if tomorrow is the day that aliens land and tell us about galactic society? What if tomorrow is the day that the Singularity starts, and we all get to live forever? What if tomorrow is the day that you see an ant crawling into a flower bloom and you think "Wow, that's amazing! How does the universe create stuff like this"?

Long ago, I spent 1.5 years dating a guy with AIDS.  I never sero-converted.  I'm still HIV-negative.  You too can live successfully in a dangerous world.  Pay attention already!

Comments

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

The question of why we do things we know we ought not to, is one that continues to beguile me. Clearly, being smart and having all the resources is necessary, but not sufficient, nor is it "laziness" in the sense of not having self-discipline. I notice it most often these days with people diagnosed as diabetic who have all the information and all the resources they need to control it, but don't.

Likewise I don't know what to say to my young friend who at 5' 6" weighs nearly 300 lbs, and talks on her cellphone while driving, eating fries, and smoking (yes, all at once). She's a PhD candidate in Neuroscience.

[mellowtigger]

Self-induced mortality. Yeah, I don't know what causes it either. :(

[dodecadragon.livejournal.com]

Every once in awhile thoughts of mortality and my death enter my consciousness, and I have to shake it off and focus on something else least I go mad with depression over the pointlessness of it all.

I can so see why people find solace in religion.

And I can also see why a lot of people simply try to live for the day, taking one day at a time with no regard for the future.

I mean, in a universe that is 15 billion years old, what difference does 100 years vs. 30 years make in the grand scheme of things? None, none at all.

The grand scheme of things is pretty much meaningless. Which is why people are consuming this planet and reproducing beyond it's capacity, they are not thinking about the future.

How close are we to the population correction that is bound to happen sooner or later? The idea of living through that period is not appealing at all.

But death, the end of all that is me? Not a choice, not an option. So, immortality is the only choice to strive for. First, get the body in shape and stay fit and healthy and hope that someday in my lifetime I'll have the option of replacing it with an upgrade. Meanwhile keep my eyes and mind open to experiencing whatever the universe has to offer.

Like you said, this is the only life we get, and tomorrow is a brand new day. :o)

[mellowtigger]

I'm not opposed to actively making choices that shorten my lifespan. I can easily see giving my life for the opportunity to create/build something new and interesting. I think that's what some soldiers do in warfare. I think that's what we should be soliciting for colony missions beyond Earth.

It's the lack of attention given to our choices that gets me so worked up. Not-paying-attention is some sort of sin, though I have a hard time defining exactly what the sentiment is.

[anziulewicz.livejournal.com]

Let's face it: If you are an exclusive TOP and take precautions to avoid innoculation with another man's blood, your chance of getting HIV is pretty damned remote. Some people think it's politically incorrect to say that, but it's true. If you are an exclusive TOP, you can use a condom for extra protection (as I think you do), but Gay men get HIV almost invariably because they let someone fuck them without a condom.

It seems like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders and know how to avoid HIV. Good for you.

As for the personal record-keeping:

The guy I SUSPECT infected me with HIV is long gone. He passed away before all the good drug combinations were available.

An old fuck-buddy of mine from the early 1980's ended up blowing his brains out. There were rumors that he was a pedophile. I strongly suspect that he was sexually abused by his dad when he was a child. Cute guy. His name was Bruno.

Oh well, that's that.

[mellowtigger]

I never did find "the right guy", so I've never bottomed for anyone. You're right that it must help reduce risk to avoid the most obvious activities where HIV transmission is a factor. Still, though, plenty of straight men are infected worldwide, so even being "top" isn't a preventative measure in itself. Any skin-to-skin sex necessarily involves microabrasions to skin tissue which could potentially allow any microorganism free passage into the blood stream. That's where Luck plays its part in this process. Does the HIV virus get damaged enough to prevent it from replicating successfully, or does it infect a cell while it's still intact? If you're Lucky, the virus dies before it replicates even though you were exposed.

Yeah, 1980 was a rough decade for gay men. I knew one guy (I think in his 30s at the time) who himself didn't even know he was HIV-positive until he ended up in the hospital with a secondary infection. He died a few days later. By the late 80s, we knew "the rules" about safe sex, although there were still questions about specifics. Before then, though... I wasn't sexually active in those years either so I only heard the stories about how quickly people died off. I didn't have to experience it directly by burying my own peers each weekend like some people in New York City did.

[anziulewicz.livejournal.com]

The reason most strictly STRAIGHT (not bisexual) men worldwide become infected is because HIV does become fairly well concentrated in the vaginal fluids of their HIV+ female partners. Some factors can increase the risk for these Straight men: If they are uncircumcised, or if they have any other STDs.

The biggest risk for Gay TOPS is exposure to blood during rough sex, and once again, the risk increases if they are either uncircumcised or have any other STD (particularly herpes).

In my work as someone who does HIV counseling and testing, it is my job as a counselor to ask LOTS of questions about these possible factors.