ik ben niks (i am nothing)

[mellowtigger]

I learned two linguistic facts this week.  First, I learned that leet-speak is not limited to English.  Second, I learned that English vocabulary incorporates more Dutch words than I ever would have guessed.  I recognized most of the numbers, but there were other familiar words too.  Unless Dutch itself gets the pronunciations from German, which I already know is a heavy influence on English. 

I'm succumbing to deja vu at the moment.  I can't find while searching, though, that I've written about this topic in LiveJournal before.  Anyway...

Upon recommendation, I watched a Belgian film about autism and bullying.  The title of the film "Ben X" is meant to be a leet-speak reference to the phrase "I am nothing".  (It shouldn't be confused with "Ben 10", which is a good tv animated series.)  The main character, Ben, has a fulfilling online life and so the leet reference is appropriate for the movie.  Throughout the movie, actually, we see reminders of the online metaphor.  Human bullies are replaced by harassing orcs, for example, but the persistance of the metaphor carries it much farther than such simple body replacements.  It also carries the lesson that online bravery needs to find its way into real life expression, albeit more peaceful expression than simple online combat.    Ben's final solution to the bullying problem is supposedly taken from a real life newspaper article, but I couldn't find the original reference on my own.  According to the IMDB entry, the film has won a few awards in 2007 and 2008.  I think the film deserves them.  The pace gets a little weak or hard to follow at the end, but otherwise it's a good film.  (Ben plays the game "Archlord" online.  I had heard of it before seeing this movie.  It's said to have a decent crafting system, so I'm tempted to try it out now just to see what they implemented.)  

The film reminds me of some parts of my own early life. 

• I remember sitting in an insulated box room doing the hearing tests to prove that I wasn't really going deaf.  I just didn't hear people.
• I remember growing up in a house filled with people that I didn't really comprehend.
• I remember not knowing how to act around a little brother, as I preferred to be alone.
• I remember my parents telling me at one point that I should do "whatever it takes" to defend myself, essentially giving me permission to hit my younger brother if that's what it took to keep from being bullied by him.  He had learned that the only way to get me to interact was to annoy me to the point of anger.  (I think it was valuable for me, though, to learn in youth how to recognize such emotion in myself.  It makes adulthood much less dangerous for everyone.)
• I remember looking at walls instead of people because it was less stressful.
• I remember other people saying that I didn't talk much.  I remember that everyone else talked too much.
• I remember deciding in college that I was going to make myself into a social person, social like other people were, although I wasn't as observant as Ben about cataloging their behavior.  (Which might be why the effort was such a failure for me.)
• I remember devoting too much attention to planning my own death.  I found a different solution at the last moment, and Ben does too.

There are differences, though. 

• I'm glad that I never endured the kind of bullying and teasing in high school that Ben did.  I think that I was different enough to be seen mostly as "neutral territory" in high school, so people from both high and low social classes would talk to me.  I was no threat to either caste, so I was an interloper permitted safe passage for my temporary involvements.
• I didn't have the supportive love-interest who helped rescue me from my torments.  I learned to survive on my own.
• In high school and college, I already knew how to disperse rage/frustration.  (Valuable early life training.)
• When my senses blur in social stress, I think it's more like the confusion/fear depicted in "Finding Forrester", although I recognize the piecemeal focus that's used in "Ben X".

Overall, "Ben X" is a good film.  I think it's a very good introduction to (one person's) autistic adolescence.   The ending is too close to happily-ever-after (depending on how you interpret the last few seconds), and real life is not like that.  It's still a good movie, though.

Comments

[xcentric.livejournal.com]

Carlos and I saw this film in a theater recently. It was part of a series called "Frames of Mind" where they screen films and have discussion afterwards. We thought it was a good film too, and helpful to better understand the experiences of people like Ben. Coincidentally, I am also reading a book (and Carlos is teaching it in a class on Children's Literature) called "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time," which is written from the perspective of an autistic 15 year old boy. It's a pretty great story. Carlos finished it really quickly. If you haven't read it, I recommend it. It was written by Mark Haddon. And actually it has been marketed and popular with both adults and children.

Darin

[mellowtigger]

Ah, found it. It sounds like an interesting program. I wish something like that was happening here in the Twin Cities.
http://www.cinematheque.bc.ca/framesofmind/ben-x

Yes, I've read that story before. As with "Ben X", I think it's a food introduction to one person's experience. The book doesn't make an autism connection explicit, but it's pretty obvious to people who read it that the connection is there. (Although I disagree with the math example presented in the book. I think the author gets it wrong.)

[bluebear2.livejournal.com]

Dutch is geographically and linquistically between German and English. Part of the larger language family. I wasn't familiar with it at all until I saw the movie "Ja Zuster, Ne Zuster". (Great movie BTW.) I found I was understanding a lot of the Dutch without even trying, from knowing English, some German and French. It seems to have a lot of loan words from French.

Ben X sounds interesting. His techniques for studying others so he can live in their world is intriguing. Everyone does this to some extent even if unconsciously.

[mellowtigger]

Interesting. I also think it's fascinating how some people trace human migration by studying language taxonomy.

Although English is a mishmash of confusing rules and pronunciations, I think it's great strength is that it does combine small parts of so many other languages. That, plus we finally got rid (mostly) of the silly gender-specific nouns that our parent language had. I almost pity the romance languages for their adherence to this awkward concept.

[dangerdhotrod.livejournal.com]

I also found myself understanding a lot of Dutch while visiting there. I knew German (at the time), and Dutch really did sound like German colliding with English. Like German words spoken with more English pronunciation kind of. I was with Germans and they didn't believe that I could understand Dutch since they couldn't and my German wasn't super great either. But I understood quite a bit!

[fingertrouble.livejournal.com]

"I remember sitting in an insulated box room doing the hearing tests to prove that I wasn't really going deaf. I just didn't hear people."

That's something I've always suffered from; teachers and parents thought I was stupid or just ignoring them. I just zoned out as a kid, and still do it now. Wearing headphones helps.

And yes I've wondered if I'm mildly austistic. Who knows...a lot of what is described resonates, but that might just be yer usual disenfranchised modern alienation with a paranoia complex built in, LOL.

[mellowtigger]

I'll be glad when there are just simple blood tests to diagnose autism (and its subtypes) because there really isn't any single experience that is uniquely autistic; everyone experiences parts of it at some point in their life. I read the book "Party Of One: The Loners' Manifesto" and found huge parallels there too. If I could figure out what separates autistic condition from human condition, I could add my name to the psychological hall of fame. And I would finally have an "answer" to the legitimate question posed by this Demotivational poster, "Autism: Cause sometimes being an asshole is a disease".

[fingertrouble.livejournal.com]

It's weird - looking at the Wiki for autism I would say not; apart from some severe resistance to change at points in my life; and a love of sameness and a little bit of ritualistic behaviour (unlike most people I can do the same thing, eat the same specific meals again and again - pissing off restaurants and takeaways in the process - and not get bored; but weirdly other stuff I can't) but otherwise the other stuff listed no, not as far as I know (although my mother or father never mentioned anything wrong).

Certainly at least a loner with some social phobia (as in I have to sometimes psych myself up before entering a room, or talk to people, sometimes I just don't want to - walking into a room of people I don't know or a place I've not been is hard for me) and depression, maybe slight mania.

I started to wonder about this because of my partner, who is incredibly bright, a classification freak (was making lists and organising his book collection with cards at about 6) but like me seems to have missed something in his social programming, or sometimes like me is being an 'asshole' and doesn't really care for social mores, it's hard to tell sometimes...certainly the extrovert/small talk/social programming seems to have been learned at least in me by mistake and hard work. So I can function more than I could at 17, where I was so shy I would automatically ask people what they thought when asked a question - partly my parents divorce, but maybe something else. But that curious empathetic blindness I get, I dunno where that's from. Sometimes I just miss the cues.

[fingertrouble.livejournal.com]

Also looking at that Party of One - I don't hate 1 on 1 meetings or 1 on 2/3 - it's groups. I hate groups - be they cliques or societies or online groups of people. I tend to be the one standing off on the side. That Groucho Marx quote describes me perfectly - from bears to mashup people and DJs (DJs have a strange psychology too, the collection aspect and anal knowledge mixed with a contrary desire to stand in front of people and be the focus - most DJs I know are introverts) although I'd like to be accepted, I don't want to be part of the status quo or the organisation, the focus or the hierarchy. I'm pathologically wary of that.

[mellowtigger]

I emailed the author back in 2004 Jan 22, asking her if she could identify what the difference was between autism and the loner mindset. She replied back that she didn't know enough about autism to offer an answer. :( Again, whoever finally answers that question will be famous. *laugh*

[foeclan.livejournal.com]

If your subject is phonetic German, it'd be 'Ich bin nichts', which is closer to 'I am not'.

[mellowtigger]

Nope, Dutch. I don't know any Dutch, so I couldn't tell you if that phrase is literal or phonetic. :)

[mellowtigger]

Thank you, google translator. :)

It's literal. It translates directly to english as "I'm nothing".