Cassandra Phenomenon
2009-Jun-28, Sunday 06:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mellowtiggerIt's not bigotry if it's true.
I learned Friday morning about a new term. It's a term that apparently has some autistic self-advocates in quite an impressive twist. Some are rather shrill in calling it a sham and a bogus disorder, while others are more cautious and simply call it counterproductive to call attention to this disorder because it further victimizes the autistic individual.
I strongly disagree on both counts.
I decided 12 years ago to stop dating. I made that decision for several reasons, certainly, but one of those reasons was because I knew that I was harming (unintentionally) the ones that I wanted to care about. I insisted to myself that the trend must stop. My last boyfriend was good enough at one point to write down the way he felt and why, then he disappeared for a week to visit his family in south Texas to escape his pain with me for a while. The list of things that I don't notice is long, and the pain it causes goes deep. It's not just my overactive imagination making that claim. I still have his letter that I use to remind myself when necessary. I decided to stop dating, and for 12 years I've kept this agreement with myself. I figure that the level of unhappiness in the world is reduced just a little bit because I've kept my promise. I haven't inflicted myself upon another human being since then.
I decided 6 years ago to stop having sex altogether. It wasn't until my diagnosis (in early 2003) with Asperger's Syndrome that I made that decision. Sex in a relationship ends up bad for the other person, but sex out of a relationship ends up bad for me. I put the kibosh on both options at that point.
I made huge changes to my life. I underlined those two sentences to underscore that fact. I made those changes, and I have stuck with them. I did it long before I knew anything about this "sham" and "bogus disorder" of Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder. I saw what was happening to those I dated and used the only method I could think of to limit my negative impact in the world. I have avoided coupledom, and I have avoided the obvious activity that would lead me to hope of spending my years with someone special. It's really not just some overly pessimistic negativity of mine that is showing.
So I hope that people stop talking about charges of unprofessional or unethical conduct from psychologists who use this term as they try to treat people for these specific problems. I deeply hope that they find a way to eliminate the harm of such "mixed relationships" without using the drastic measures that I relied upon to solve the issue in my life.
I feel better prepared now for a relationship than I ever did in the past. Still, though, I am certain that I would never allow myself to start a new relationship until the other man (burden of proof upon him, unfair though it is) convinces me that he will come to no harm because of it. That he knows we'll have to use other ways showing our appreciation, rely on different methods of communicating our needs, and abide by different rules for how we conduct our relationship. I learned a few smart tricks on my own in my 20s while I tried to date. (I'm a smart monkey on some days.) I've learned more smart tricks since my diagnosis.
Still, though, my hippocratic oath applies: Above all, do no harm.
I learned Friday morning about a new term. It's a term that apparently has some autistic self-advocates in quite an impressive twist. Some are rather shrill in calling it a sham and a bogus disorder, while others are more cautious and simply call it counterproductive to call attention to this disorder because it further victimizes the autistic individual.
I strongly disagree on both counts.
I decided 12 years ago to stop dating. I made that decision for several reasons, certainly, but one of those reasons was because I knew that I was harming (unintentionally) the ones that I wanted to care about. I insisted to myself that the trend must stop. My last boyfriend was good enough at one point to write down the way he felt and why, then he disappeared for a week to visit his family in south Texas to escape his pain with me for a while. The list of things that I don't notice is long, and the pain it causes goes deep. It's not just my overactive imagination making that claim. I still have his letter that I use to remind myself when necessary. I decided to stop dating, and for 12 years I've kept this agreement with myself. I figure that the level of unhappiness in the world is reduced just a little bit because I've kept my promise. I haven't inflicted myself upon another human being since then.
I decided 6 years ago to stop having sex altogether. It wasn't until my diagnosis (in early 2003) with Asperger's Syndrome that I made that decision. Sex in a relationship ends up bad for the other person, but sex out of a relationship ends up bad for me. I put the kibosh on both options at that point.
I made huge changes to my life. I underlined those two sentences to underscore that fact. I made those changes, and I have stuck with them. I did it long before I knew anything about this "sham" and "bogus disorder" of Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder. I saw what was happening to those I dated and used the only method I could think of to limit my negative impact in the world. I have avoided coupledom, and I have avoided the obvious activity that would lead me to hope of spending my years with someone special. It's really not just some overly pessimistic negativity of mine that is showing.
"For the first time, the forthcoming DSM-V may include a category of Relational Disorder. According to Michael First M.D. of the DSM-V research committee, the locus of a relational disorder, in contrast to individual disorders, is on the relationship "juncture" between two or more people rather than on any one individual in the relationship. ... Previous terms proposed for this dynamic were Cassandra Phenomenon (Rodman, 2003)... These terms have referred to the experience of non-Asperger's individuals in a relationship with someone with Asperger's Syndrome (AS), many of whom showed disturbing physical and psychological reactions to the lack of emotional reciprocity in their relationships..."In other words, I'm not just imagining it. It's real enough to maybe get its own name in a brand new category within the DSM. It's not just a difference of male/female socialization either, since I am homosexual and have only dated men. It really is an autistic/non-autistic phenomenon. The authors go on to say that naming the condition will help draw attention to the awareness, training, and compromises that really can solve the problem. They point out that while the autistic person may have trouble with all of their relationships, it's likely that the neurotypical (the dreaded "normal" word) has never experienced the same set of problems in their prior relationships until they finally met their autistic partner.
- http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/Affective%20Deprivation.pdf
So I hope that people stop talking about charges of unprofessional or unethical conduct from psychologists who use this term as they try to treat people for these specific problems. I deeply hope that they find a way to eliminate the harm of such "mixed relationships" without using the drastic measures that I relied upon to solve the issue in my life.
I feel better prepared now for a relationship than I ever did in the past. Still, though, I am certain that I would never allow myself to start a new relationship until the other man (burden of proof upon him, unfair though it is) convinces me that he will come to no harm because of it. That he knows we'll have to use other ways showing our appreciation, rely on different methods of communicating our needs, and abide by different rules for how we conduct our relationship. I learned a few smart tricks on my own in my 20s while I tried to date. (I'm a smart monkey on some days.) I've learned more smart tricks since my diagnosis.
Still, though, my hippocratic oath applies: Above all, do no harm.
no subject
Date: 2009-Jun-29, Monday 01:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-Jun-29, Monday 02:15 am (UTC)