RIP: Carl West Collier

[mellowtigger]

I think maybe I have only one photograph that includes both me and a boyfriend.  That photo is of me and Carl during a trip to Alaska.  Here we are, pictured standing on top of a glacier that was fast melting, even back in 1995.  My long hair is tied back because of the wind.

Carl was 10 years older than me, and he had AIDS (not just HIV).  He wanted to spend his wealth before he died, so he took a lot of trips.  I had no money for such extravagances, and I disliked him spending money on me, but the Alaska opportunity was a once-in-a-lifetime offer that I knew I couldn't turn down.  So I scheduled a week off from work and we went together, on his dollar.

It was one of those boat cruises that cater specifically to gay male couples.  I got the opportunity (rare for me at the time) to see dozens of couples who had been together for years or decades.  That trip was, unfortunately, the death knell for our relationship.  As I told Carl afterwards, "It's like everybody else knows what to do, but I still don't."  If I had my autism diagnosis back then, I think maybe we both might have learned how to work together.  We might have endured as a couple.  At the time, though, I knew that I was frequently confused or unsure or something far worse... unaware.  My obliviousness did hurt Carl on several occasions.

Carl wanted a "clean break", so we didn't contact each other after we split up.  The one exception was when he called me to ask for help in picking up a medication at the pharmacy that he needed right away.  He couldn't get there himself, and he couldn't find anyone else to do it quickly either.  I was glad to help.

There are other memorable details of our time together. Like our sense of humor that seemed to "click" really well for us.  Like the "familiarity" that seemed so natural between us.  Like the fact that our relationship (only 1.5 years) was the longest that I've ever had with anyone.  Like me wanting to pay as much as I could afford in rent each month (was it maybe a pittance of $200/month?), even though we lived in his $300,000+ condominium.  And other stuff that I might include someday in a post on a different topic.

I paid $3 today at one of those public records websites.  I confirmed that their information was for the right guy.  We lived together at 3845 FM 2222, Austin TX 78746.  Somehow, even the phone number 512-323-5355 seems familiar.

Carl West Collier
born: 1957 December 14
died: 2002 January 13 (age 44)

I assume that he died of AIDS complications, but I didn't shell out the extra bucks for death certificates and other details.  He was a rich man, and the one time that he tried to broach the topic of his will, I told him that he should leave everything to a non-profit organization.  He was very much against that idea.  I hope that he managed either to spend it on himself before he died or to find somebody else important to him.

For the record, we practiced Safer Sex.  I never seroconverted.  I remain HIV-negative.

I should go digging in old boxes to see if I have any other photos of me with other boyfriends.  I can't remember any other pictures at the moment.  It would be strange, though, if this one picture is the only such image that I ever collected in my life.  I tried only one more romance after Carl, before I finally decided (over 12 years ago) to stop inflicting my ineptitude on people that I cared about.  I think Carl would have instantly approved my autism diagnosis if such had been available back then.  As he was prone to sing to me (in Madonna voice): "Express Yourself!"

Yes, I've reverted to traditional pronouns for this entry, in case any of his relatives search his name someday and find this post.  They won't know about my new terminology, and I want them to read without needing a translator.

Comments

[wvacritter.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

[mellowtigger]

Thanks. I had assumed that he died at some point before now, so it's no shock to read the data on a company's webpage. He could afford all of the best drugs, but he was still progressing even back then. I think maybe it's good to have some sort of confirmation finally. Maybe someday I'll pay extra dollars to learn the specifics and maybe even where to find his gravestone (unless he was cremated) for an eventual visit.

[jpeace.livejournal.com]

I can't wrap my head around the idea that your companionship is something that is "inflicted" on another person. Do you sincerely believe you're better off alone?

[mellowtigger]

Not exactly. I do, however, believe that people are better off finding some other romantic interest besides me. So the overall well-being of the world improves if I just make the effort to stay out of the dating game. I do daydream and wonder, but I can just remember prior experiences to remind myself to keep off the greener grass of the other side. What-I-don't-know may be only a confusing inconvenience to me, but it ends up hurting others. Until I'm convinced that someone actually knows what to expect and can deal with it, then it's best to stay on this side of the fence.

[dangerdhotrod.livejournal.com]

Man, I gotta say it drives me crazy when you talk about totally giving up on love and thinking that you're such a bad person to date! It's so wrong, you're wrong when you talk that way. You're a really cool guy, smart and funny and kind and many other great adjectives. I don't associate you with negative adjectives, and if you think that autism makes you unattractive check out how many people think Data is sexy.

You could date some male version of Tasha - HOT!

[mellowtigger]

The internet has been great for showing me that some people think geeks are cool. :) In small doses, different is wonderful. In the intimacy of an actual relationship, however, it's not exactly ideal. Even the writers of Data's dating episode couldn't figure out how to stay romantic with someone who would end up clueless about matters that distress the other partner. Attention-worthy isn't the same as attention-plausible.

Tasha was already rather masculine (*giggle*), but yeah that's a hot idea. :)

[dangerdhotrod.livejournal.com]

Okay well referencing Data was a joke. In my mind still there's way too many people in the world that I don't buy it that these things are so huge they make a relationship impossible for you. I have met people who I DIDN'T like who have these qualities you consider negative about yourself, but I like you and you have them. So it's not those qualities that makes a person unlikable. There's just too many people in the world, which makes for a lot of freaks and all those freaks add up to lots of freakiness-seeking. Not that you're a freak. Or rather that you are, but that everyone is. I worried for so long that my desires were totally abnormal and I thought I was going to be alone my whole life but then I discovered though abnormal I wasn't the only one, by a long shot. I gotta believe there's somebody for everybody!

[bluebear2.livejournal.com]

Thank you for telling us about this. It's very interesting and touching.

I think that it's less about you sparing others problems and maybe also about not wanting the heartache and embarrassment yourself. Once you know yourself enough then someone might be able to fit into how you are. There are many types of people in this world and there's somebody for everybody.

[mellowtigger]

Yes, I very much prefer simplicity. One thing that relationships are not is simple. Staying single does reduce complexity, which is a good thing for me. The single life does limit opportunity for some other adventures, but so far I think it still works well in general.

I'm not convinced that there's someone for everyone, though. The mathematics of it just don't work out. With some people (males) claiming exclusive access to multiple others (females), it's just not possible that there's somebody for everybody in this world. Polyamory eases this problem, but I don't think it actually solves it. You still have the geopolitical headache of arranging for these 6.8 billion humans to sort through each other and meet the "right one".

[bluebear2.livejournal.com]

After I wrote that I reconsidered what I put. I don't actually believe that there's someone for everyone actually. I have gone through a time, after some upsetting events, where I had nothing to do with anyone as I felt that since "something was wrong with me" I shouldn't have others go through that. It was a depressing time. Now I know that it was just some bad experiences and me not knowing enough about how it all worked.
It might be good for you to be involved with someone who is trained in how it works with you and then won't be disappointed.
Being single is fine too. The best relationships are the ones were two people who can stand on their own two feet get together.

[mellowtigger]

"The best relationships are the ones were two people who can stand on their own two feet get together."

That statement makes a lot of sense to me.

[bluebear2.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Well except for my spelling mistake.
Should be:

"The best relationships are the ones where two people who can stand on their own two feet get together."

[dangerdhotrod.livejournal.com]

>I'm not convinced that there's someone for everyone, though. The mathematics of it just don't work out.

Okay there's not someone for everyone. You got me with the math stuff.

NOT!
:)

[sctmpls.livejournal.com]

Very touching. I think though that you are much more in touch with yourslef than you probably were back then which would make any relationship you had today likely a very different dynamic. Our friend Dennis is Autistic and partnered and he just has a very "blunt" hubby who accepts that sometimes Dennis doesn't pick up on subtle emotional cues. Rather than being hurt by it, his partner just reminds Dennis what he needs from him and Dennis is very capable of providing it. Dennis just needs a reminder now and then. You should consider putting yourslef out there again one of these days. I am quite confident you could enrich the life of someone who loved you for who you were and not "inflict" yourself upon them.

[kroyd.livejournal.com]

Nice post. Very nice.... really sweet; like you. :)