imponderables

[mellowtigger]

Isolation usually helps me through the difficult thinks that need thinking. Not so much this time, though. Maybe I'm still being too intertwined with activities to get the necessary distance for proper perspective. I'm unsure. All plans are off the table for the moment, and that uncertainty provokes a strange emotion (pale but persistent) that I haven't identified yet.

Previously unblogged are the accounts of my near-stumbles as my right foot folds sideways during a simple step forward, or the muscle cramp while driving that had me looking for someplace to pull over, or the strange ache in a muscle (that I never knew was so important) on the side of my right leg because it grows weak enough to complain about "single-handedly" supporting my entire body as my left foot rises to advance forward. Without a diagnosis, I don't know what's coming next in the continuing saga of neuron problems. Ignorance has me questioning what plans I can reasonably make for even 2 years from now.

I've been pondering issues of my past, present, and future.  These shifts of my attention between time frames do cause some new confusion(s). It's always difficult for me to imagine my future, any future. Trying to imagine with all of these new kinds of uncertainties... it makes the experience even more strange. I think it may be inevitable (read: according to my nature) that I remain "undecided" about everything in my life for now.  I want a diagnosis so that I can have some idea of what to expect from the future.

Hiatus (however brief) is now over.  Life remains a confusing jumble of memories, emotions, and expectations.

Comments

[pi3832.livejournal.com]

>I can have some idea of what to expect from the future.

Have you ever had that? I don't think I have. Or, rather, my experience is that there are way too many variables to make accurate predictions about anything.

[mellowtigger]

>Have you ever had that?

No, but I'm not sure what to call the previous invisible-future when compared against this new invisible-future.

I edited out several of the specific concepts that I've been pondering because the post got much too long.

• Pets - Part of me wants to get another cat to help ease the transition for myself when T'Reese finally dies... but I resist the urge because now I'm not sure that I will be able to care for a new pet for years ahead.
• Treks - I'm still scheduled for a 4-day backpacking trip in 6 weeks. I have some doubts that I will be able to hike many miles each day with a backpack. Two months ago, I had no such doubts, but symptoms have been progressing faster lately. My plans to "walk into the forest" seem beyond my ability now. It may already be too late for that adventure to happen. *disappointment*
• Sex - Sure, I haven't had sex in many years, and I haven't dated in well over a decade, so it's sort of a moot point. An email from an "ex" this week reminds me that sometimes sex was actually a good thing for both of us at the same time, rather than a confusion of mistaken signals and thunderous emotions. Somehow, I suspect that crutches will add very little romantic appeal for any potential starry-eyed fool.

I've never been able to imagine an actual future for myself. This new uncertainty, though, has me questioning plans for even 1 month away. I'll face it on my own as I always have, but it would be nice to prepare somehow so that the change is gradual instead of sudden. A shift to crutches would be easy, and the frequent upper body workout would actually be a good thing. *laugh* Anything more serious than that, however, means finding a new place to live.

[litch.livejournal.com]

pets: I think that having s substitute pet lined up shortchanges the grief process that is inherent in having a shorter lived pet and cheats you of the fullness of the experience.

But dismissing that if you were to take a pet that was about to be killed, keeping it even for a single day would be a mitzvah. And if a time did come where you had to give it up because you couldn't care for it you've got a fantastic emotional lever to convince someone else to take it for you.

I (of course) think you ought to consider a dog instead of a cat. Leaving aside the reduced overlap with T'reese, a dog involves less physical maintenance (catboxes and compromised immune systems do not mix). Even better if you got a service dog then you'd have help doing the things you need to do.

treks: So warn your partners you may not be able to hike as far as you'd like and be prepared to bring some canes.

sex: sex is in the brain not the body and you have a beautiful mind. Physical capability is never going to be your biggest sexual stumbling block.

[mellowtigger]

I forgot to write previously...

Service animal, great concept! I should've thought of it already.

:o)

[otterlover01.livejournal.com]

Don´t feel so lonely on that, I think we all humans have the same doubts about our future, I think it is that just don´t say it too often we all! :o)

Re: :o)

[mellowtigger]

Yes, everyone always has unknowns ahead of them. These new unknowns that I've been pondering recently, though, are different from the ones that I pondered in years past. What's the word for such a transformation in invisible features?

Re: :o)

[pi3832.livejournal.com]

>What's the word for such a transformation in invisible [futures]?

Life.